The spark in even the best of marriages can mellow, and even go out. Whether it’s stress over money and work, raising a kid or two or just the effects of time and familiarity, monogamy can get a little boring.
So maybe your mind and your eyes begin to wander. You flirt a bit at the grocery store, you share jokes with that cute single mom whose son plays soccer with yours. You haven’t cheated on your wife but, truth be told, you’re thinking about it. Before you take that step, though, here are Papiverse’s top 15 reasons not to cheat on your wife.
1. Marriage Vows
Remember those, the “till death do us part, leaving aside all others” that you promised?
Read Related: Should You Lie for a Cheating Friend?
Remember sex-ed in high school and all the nasty things you can catch from indiscriminate sex? Try bringing home a case of herpes and having to explain how you—and now, your wife—contracted it.
3. Your Kids
They will hate you for betraying their mother and breaking up their home. They will live with their mother, call her next husband Dad and never contact you unless they need money.
Mistresses want to go places and they want gifts and your undivided attention. Wives want that too, but they don’t expect it all the time. Plus, how will you explain those mystery credit card purchases?
5. More Money
If your marriage falls apart because of your infidelity, you’ll be stuck paying ali-MONEY and child support. You thought the kids were expensive before you were kicked out; now the price has gone up. They still need shoes and clothes and soccer gear. Now they need counseling to recover from the trauma of divorce.
6. And Even More Money
Now you’re paying for two households. Your wife gets the house and you’ll be stuck in a bachelor apartment on the edge of the city. The kids will never visit because there’s no room and the mortgage on the house will still dig a hole in your pocket. How long do you think your new girlfriend will hang around on a ramen-noodles-for-every-meal budget?
7. And a LOT More Money
Have you ever noticed how all divorce lawyers drive nice cars and have sumptuous offices?
8. Anger Management Issues
Sure, your wife is probably not a vengeful, homicidal maniac, but have you seen Fatal Attraction lately?
9. Your Golf Clubs
You’ll never hit a straight shot after they’ve been wrapped around a tree, or run over by the car, or sold on Ebay. They do, however, make a good windshield basher—just ask Tiger Woods.
10. Your Mother Will Hate You
You’re taking the grandkids out of her life. Think she’s going to remember your birthday after that?
11. Your Mother–in-law Will Hate You
You’ve hurt her daughter, you’ve hurt her grandkids. And she never really liked you anyway.
12. All Your Friends Are Married
You developed friends over the years as a couple, with other couples. It’s hard to be single when all your friends are married. Besides, they’ll probably pick your ex-wife to stay friends with.
13. Karma Is a Bitch
If you cheat, maybe your wife is cheating. Maybe you break up with your girlfriend and by then, your wife is happily on to another relationship. And the kids love him. Two words: Lorena Bobbitt. If you’re too young to remember, Google her and prepare to cringe.
14. The Truth Always Comes Out
No matter how sly you think you’re being, affairs seldom remain secret for long. A friend tells his wife, who tells your wife. Or your wife sees a text from your girlfriend you forgot to delete. Or you get caught in the act.
If there’s trouble in your marriage, tell your wife you want to go to counseling. Maybe she’s been waiting for you to express your unhappiness first, so she can express hers. If the relationship is unsalvageable, handle it like two adults and make a separation and possible divorce as smooth as possible for yourselves and your kids. There’s no honor in cheating.